"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I'm not clumsy, I'm just on a secret mission to rearrange the furniture."
"I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make it on Tuesdays.'"
"My doctor told me I need to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror."
"I wanted to lose weight, so I decided to go jogging. I ran past the donut shop six times. Now I weigh two donuts."
"I'm not lazy; I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do."
"I'm not addicted to chocolate. We're just in a committed relationship."
"I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life."
"I finally realized that diet stands for 'Did I Eat That?'"
